Sylvina Beagley is not your typical Utahn. Utah is typically associated with white bread Mormon folk who refrain from pre-marital sex, go on missions, and read the Bible. Hell, you can kicked out of college there just for fraternizing with the opposite sex. That is why it is so alarming to read about Beagley’s wild and crazy Monday morning in the Great Lake State.

It all started with an honest man doing his civic duty by posting roadsigns in West Valley around 5 a.m. on Monday morning. At which point the suspect, Sylvina Beagley, pulled up in her very own car (in the nude) and decided she liked Roadsign Posting Man’s car better than hers so she took it. One missed turn and she crashes. Case closed, right? Not quite.

The police arrive on scene and find a bloodied and sweaty Beagley hiding in a bush and since there is no clothing material to grab hold of, she slips free from their grasp and hops into the nearest squad car. She speeds off and misses another turn but instead of crashing quietly into the bushes like before, she launches the squad car roughly 50 feet Dukes of Hazard style. The officers decide to forgo the medical attention and instead just taser the ever loving stuff out of poor naked Sylvina.

The quote of the day goes to Tom McLachlan, a West Valley police captain.

“It appears there may be mental issues involved.”

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

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