Automotive news out of Blue Springs, Missouri today: A man went to the local Ford dealership to test drive a pick-up truck and left the dealership with three wrecked cars in his wake.

The photo above is proof that some of us just can’t handle pressure situations…or situations that involve using “REVERSE” correctly.

Really the only information available at this time is that he put the car in reverse on accident then hit the gas on accident and somehow managed to crush not one but two Mercury Milans.

No word yet on whether or not Livia Soprano was involved in any way:

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 18% [?]

Sylvina Beagley is not your typical Utahn. Utah is typically associated with white bread Mormon folk who refrain from pre-marital sex, go on missions, and read the Bible. Hell, you can kicked out of college there just for fraternizing with the opposite sex. That is why it is so alarming to read about Beagley’s wild and crazy Monday morning in the Great Lake State.

It all started with an honest man doing his civic duty by posting roadsigns in West Valley around 5 a.m. on Monday morning. At which point the suspect, Sylvina Beagley, pulled up in her very own car (in the nude) and decided she liked Roadsign Posting Man’s car better than hers so she took it. One missed turn and she crashes. Case closed, right? Not quite.

The police arrive on scene and find a bloodied and sweaty Beagley hiding in a bush and since there is no clothing material to grab hold of, she slips free from their grasp and hops into the nearest squad car. She speeds off and misses another turn but instead of crashing quietly into the bushes like before, she launches the squad car roughly 50 feet Dukes of Hazard style. The officers decide to forgo the medical attention and instead just taser the ever loving stuff out of poor naked Sylvina.

The quote of the day goes to Tom McLachlan, a West Valley police captain.

“It appears there may be mental issues involved.”

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 18% [?]

Despite our reservations in reinforcing the stereotype of Asians as terrible, horrible, no good drivers: here is a collection of 34 low-speed collisions caught by CCTV cameras.

So whether you’re a motorist, biker, or pedestrian, keep your head on a swivel and foot/hand/mind on the brake.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 17% [?]

Popularity: 17% [?]

Yasmine Aida Villasana had quite the Memorial Day.

The 22-year-old did her best John Glenn impression when she rocketed her Chevy Impala over the toll booth at Dallas-Forth Worth International Airport.

Villasana, who just finished watching an 18-hour Dukes of Hazard marathon on TV Land while consuming a liter and a half of El Toro Tequila, luckily walked away from the accident with only a broken wrist and video proof that rummaging through your car seats for $1.25 in quarters isn’t so bad after all.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 5% [?]

Citizen’s arrest, Waffle House, and car surfing are three phrases this writer never thought he would ever use in the same sentence but life is funny like that.

A Tennessee man was enjoying a cup of coffee and a cigarette at the local Waffle House when he noticed a teenager attempting the ol’ dine and dash. In a fit of heroism that would make Quailman proud, the man chased after the teen in question and ended up on the hood of his car.

Instead of stopping, the teen sped up to 60 mph, prompting the man to fish his cellular telephone from his pocket and make this hilariously subdued 911 call:

Man: “Yeah, I need you to send a cop car to Highway 99 at Cason Lane immediately. I’m stuck on the hood of somebody’s car and they refuse to stop.”

Dispatcher: “Now, do what now?”

The teen eventually stopped and police arrived. No word yet on whether or not the waitress ended up getting her 20 percent or if the brave citizen was awarded free waffles for his efforts.

Regardless, we here at SpeedUpTraffic applaud you, Andrew Brian McKnight for  doing the right thing. Your mama should be proud.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 2% [?]

Cruising through the beautiful Northern California countryside on Memorial Day weekend should be a tranquil and peaceful experience. Someone forgot to tell that to this rage fueled driver of a BMW 335i who took exception to the driver of a MazdaSpeed3 following him at a safe and respectable distance while also maintaining a healthy speed.

Apparently there is only room for one fast driver on those Northern California roads and the driver of the “Shitbox” might need to find some new territory.

Video:

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 3% [?]

Ok, so I find it unbearably funny, that people still don’t understand why it’s important to drive safely.  Now, understandably, there are people who can reserve the right to drive any way they choose, however, as many of our posts have covered….MOST people should think twice before getting behind the wheel.  Let alone owning and operating a motor vehicle.  So I’m browsing through various news bits when I read this:

Cellphone Curbs May Not Decrease Car Crashes…

WASHINGTON—Laws that forbid motorists from using hand-held phones or texting while driving don’t appear to result in a significant decrease in vehicle crashes, according to a new study by the Highway Loss Data Institute expected to be released Friday.

The study, expected to be released at a conference in Washington, D.C., Friday, comes amid stepped-up efforts by federal highway-safety regulators to ban texting while driving and curb other forms of driver distraction. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood earlier this week announced rules to forbid commercial truck and bus drivers from text messaging while driving. Mr. LaHood has said he would ban all texting while driving if he could…Read the rest here.

So, riddle me this….

If driving isn’t enough of a distraction and we’re going to try and disprove the fact that just about anything you do, outside of paying attention to the road poses as a distraction…how do we explain crap like this?

If anything, we should be telling people how much everything you do is a distraction and how they should pay attention to the road, that’s why we impose crazy laws…because people abuse our freedoms.

After I saw this, I went to shop for better auto insurance, and found some pretty  cheap auto insurance quotes on a site named Cheap Auto Insurance…go figure.  Put in my zip, got a listing of top providers in my location, and was happy to find that my insurer was listed already.  Since I tend to drive fast, I like to get quotes every 6 months ($$$ save that money for sweet upgrades to my Solara!)

It makes me scared that nutjobs like these are out there spouting statistics that don’t make logical sense.  Don’t drink and drive, buckle your seatbelt…and most of all….lol, make sure you’re driving legal.  The license suspension and hella fines are totally not worth it!

Popularity: 7% [?]

Rey Maualuga, stud linebacker for the 2009 AFC North Champion, Cincinnati Bengals was arrested while driving his 2003 Pontiac Sunfire earlier this morning! No, he was not arrested for driving a seven year old Pontiac although that might just be a crime in the fraternity of professional athletes. He was, however, arrested for driving under the influence in Covington, Kentucky when police pulled him over after he struck two parked cars and knocked over a parking meter. He also had an 18-year-old girl and a juvenile in the car with him. Now that’s drunk driving!

Maualuga, a second round draft pick for the Bengals in the 2009 NFL Draft, signed a contract totalling $4.66 million. Now here at speeduptraffic.org, we give a lot of grief to celebrities and professional athletes that overindulge on their cars so you can see why this is such big (and refreshing) news. Well, minus the whole driving under the influence part but still: chug on in your 2003 Sunfire, Rey. Chug on.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 4% [?]

News out of America’s heartland (Ohio) today: A 48-year-old man by the name of Randy Sipple was charged with something known as “wanton endangerment” when he threw a pick axe through a woman’s window.

This is Randy:

And this is what ‘ol Randy did:

Now, we’ve all experienced road rage in one form another. Some of us let it out in the form of a middle finger and some of us even go as far as to ride the offender’s bumper or cut the offender off. But if you can wake up in the morning and see yourself getting so angry on the road that you THROW a PICK AXE through another person’s window then you should probably stay home that day and watch Family Matters re-runs to remedy your mood.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 5% [?]