Rey Maualuga, stud linebacker for the 2009 AFC North Champion, Cincinnati Bengals was arrested while driving his 2003 Pontiac Sunfire earlier this morning! No, he was not arrested for driving a seven year old Pontiac although that might just be a crime in the fraternity of professional athletes. He was, however, arrested for driving under the influence in Covington, Kentucky when police pulled him over after he struck two parked cars and knocked over a parking meter. He also had an 18-year-old girl and a juvenile in the car with him. Now that’s drunk driving!

Maualuga, a second round draft pick for the Bengals in the 2009 NFL Draft, signed a contract totalling $4.66 million. Now here at speeduptraffic.org, we give a lot of grief to celebrities and professional athletes that overindulge on their cars so you can see why this is such big (and refreshing) news. Well, minus the whole driving under the influence part but still: chug on in your 2003 Sunfire, Rey. Chug on.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 15% [?]

Have you ever heard the expression, “hammering a nail with a sledgehammer?” I’m not sure if that’s the actual saying but it sounds right.

Anyways!

News out of Berlin today: A 76-year-old man, in an attempt to thaw out his car more quickly, stuck a blow heater under the hood. The car was de-thawed and the man was happily and comfortably on the road in a matter of seconds.

…Right?

Wrong. The man went inside and heard several explosions and came out to see his car in flames. The fire department arrived just in time to catch the fire before it caught on the gentleman’s home.

Estimated damage: 40,000 euros

Maybe next time he’ll wake up ten minutes earlier and use that handy little defrost button located conveniently on the console.

Full story: http://af.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idAFTRE60Q4D220100127

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 6% [?]

Purveyor and advocator of the meaty, wonderful, American goodness that is the hot dog: the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile has toured the country for years and years.

Have you ever wondered what it looked like on the inside though?

Somehow disappointing. It does kind of look like the cockpit of a 747 but I expected a throne for God to rest his feet when he’s visiting Earth and a conveyer belt constantly transporting hot dogs complete with mustard, onions, and relish up to the pilot and co-pilot.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 8% [?]

No, that is not your typical American comfortably cruising their giant Hummer into their spacious 14-car garage on their massive 50-acre property.

We have covered the difference in automotive tastes between the US of A and Europeans here before and this is another example: a man snuggling his 58.5 inch Fiat into a garage that is 61 inches wide. That is leaves about an inch and a half in terms of room for error and I’ll betchya dollars to donuts this guy nails it every time.

I’m not really sure why or how it relates to the world at large but if there were more people like this guy in the world there would probably be less greed, anger, and violence.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 5% [?]

The following video, presumably shot by Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, is of a neighbor cleaning off his car in a peculiar way. Most of us run a brush over the rear windshield, maybe do a once over on the driver’s side windows and blast the windshield wipers on high to take care of the snow on the windshield before driving off.

But this guy is a whole different story:

Apparently he’s feeding everyone in the parking lot a heaping helping of snow cake, or maybe he just has a rampant case of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Either way, he’s probably not getting to work on time.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 6% [?]

The Adopt-a-Highway program is a nice little initiative aimed to help clean up the highways criss-crossing our great nation…unless the adopting party also happens to be the NEO-NAZI PARTY!

Yes, the Nazi Party of Colorado has purchased a one-mile stretch of US Highway 85 for what we think of as more of a way to get their name on a sign that thousands upon thousands driver can see everyday and become indoctrinated by, rather than helping to solve the litter problem.

Of course the Colorado Department of Transportation initially refused the Nazi’s generous donation but had to relent when the law, and that lovely little thing known as freedom of spreech, turned out to be on the side of the Hitler lovin’ sons of war.

Yes folks, the Nazis are back and have conquered one mile of Colorado highway. Next…the world!

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 7% [?]

That scene of carnage took place at the Russo-Steele auction grounds in Scottsdale, Arizona last Thursday. An estimated $1.5 million in damage was reported after a severe storm struck down a protective tent hovering over the collection of classic cars about to be sold at the auction. About 600 cars were damaged and about 600 owners were enraged to the point of declaring war on Mother Nature herself.

“I CONSIDER THIS THE FIRST SHOT IN THE WAR,” raged classic car owner, Dale Gribbum. “THAT BITCH HAS HAD IT COMIN’ FOR A LONG TIME BUT NOBODY HAS HAD THE GONADS TO STAND UP AND FIGHT BACK UNTIL NOW! DALE GRIBBUM DON’T LET NOBODY MESS WITH HIS PRIDE AND JOY!”

Gribbum added that he plans to fire back by dumping a vat of poison into the lake bordering his town and setting fire to the wooded area surrounding his home.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 11% [?]

Sit back and let your mind drift to a not-so-distant past where the smell of freshly cut grass and sound of children playing radiated through the sun-soaked streets of the neighborhood you grew up in as a child. School was out and the only worry you had was when the ice cream truck would makes its rounds through your area each day and whether or not you would be able to pinpoint its location based on that familiar little jingle.

The pleasant little tune playing from a Good Humor truck plastered with tantalizing pictures of the sweet and refreshingly cold treats held within is something we can all smile about.

This, however, is a different story:

A pedophile driving around in a conversion van playing a tune possibly composed on Satan’s Casio is not where you want your kids getting their summer ice cream from. You know, with Hollywood’s inclination in remaking (and butchering) every classic horror movie ever made how about an original idea for once.

The Ice Cream Man: “He’ll Make You Scream For Ice Cream!”

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 9% [?]

The common perception of Conan O’Brien before this whole Tonight Show fiasco was that of a humble, somewhat dorky man who maybe came off as a bit naive about the business he was in. However, with his Tonight Show unraveling at an ever quickening pace, the real Conan has emerged and he now seems more and more like that kid on the playground who, in response to taking abuse from bullies, exacted a complicated and humiliating revenge that probably involved embarrassment over physical violence.

In case you missed it, Conan has turned the final days of his Tonight Show into one giant middle finger to NBC executives and last night was no exception. But instead of hurling angry epithets at them or crying like a baby he has hit them where it really counts: their wallets.

Unfortunately, NBC has pulled the video clip off the air for fear of losing even more money but ‘ol Coco purchased a very rare Bugatti Veyron, dressed it up as a mouse, and made its theme song, “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones.

“Let me ask you a question,” O’Brien said, standing next to the adorably convincing-looking Bugatti Veyron mouse. “Is this appropriate music for a car that looks like a mouse? No! Does it add anything at all to this comedy bit? No, it doesn’t! Is it crazy expensive to play on the air, not to mention the rights to re-air this clip on the Internet?”

And the total cost to NBC: a cool $1.5 million.

Touche, Mr. O’Brien, touche…

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 10% [?]

Everyone remembers those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” commercials starring somebody’s helpless grandmother. Well, if you laugh at those you’re an awful human being because senior citizens can’t help that their bones are frail and balance is weak.

YOU CAN LAUGH AT THIS THOUGH:

It’s only two months until the Spring Equinox, people.

By K. Fitty Ditty

Popularity: 3% [?]