Ring in America’s birthday the only way she’ll allow: with ice cold beer, grilled meats, and LOUD COLORFUL EXPLOSIONS!

God Bless The U.S. of A.!

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 3% [?]

With bullshit like Twilight and True Blood for the masses to sink their teeth into it seems that vampires and vampire culture is just about everywhere these days. What has resulted are such horrors as Robert Pattinson becoming a household name; more idiots thinking they’re vampires than ever before; and now, said idiot vampire wannabes causing car wrecks.

Why did the vampire cross the road?

http://www.nbc11news.com/home/headlines/97293489.html

To scare a woman in Grand Junction, Colorado into backing her car into a ditch apparently.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 3% [?]

Automotive news out of Blue Springs, Missouri today: A man went to the local Ford dealership to test drive a pick-up truck and left the dealership with three wrecked cars in his wake.

The photo above is proof that some of us just can’t handle pressure situations…or situations that involve using “REVERSE” correctly.

Really the only information available at this time is that he put the car in reverse on accident then hit the gas on accident and somehow managed to crush not one but two Mercury Milans.

No word yet on whether or not Livia Soprano was involved in any way:

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 3% [?]

Sylvina Beagley is not your typical Utahn. Utah is typically associated with white bread Mormon folk who refrain from pre-marital sex, go on missions, and read the Bible. Hell, you can kicked out of college there just for fraternizing with the opposite sex. That is why it is so alarming to read about Beagley’s wild and crazy Monday morning in the Great Lake State.

It all started with an honest man doing his civic duty by posting roadsigns in West Valley around 5 a.m. on Monday morning. At which point the suspect, Sylvina Beagley, pulled up in her very own car (in the nude) and decided she liked Roadsign Posting Man’s car better than hers so she took it. One missed turn and she crashes. Case closed, right? Not quite.

The police arrive on scene and find a bloodied and sweaty Beagley hiding in a bush and since there is no clothing material to grab hold of, she slips free from their grasp and hops into the nearest squad car. She speeds off and misses another turn but instead of crashing quietly into the bushes like before, she launches the squad car roughly 50 feet Dukes of Hazard style. The officers decide to forgo the medical attention and instead just taser the ever loving stuff out of poor naked Sylvina.

The quote of the day goes to Tom McLachlan, a West Valley police captain.

“It appears there may be mental issues involved.”

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 8% [?]

It’s refreshing to see that despite a hundred years of getting knocked around (literally) by the automobile, The Canines have finally put one up on the board against The American Drivers.

Next week they will likely continue their dominance against The Mail Men.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 3% [?]

Its turn ons include idling clusters of small cars and tugboats with a 20 foot clearance.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 4% [?]

Despite our reservations in reinforcing the stereotype of Asians as terrible, horrible, no good drivers: here is a collection of 34 low-speed collisions caught by CCTV cameras.

So whether you’re a motorist, biker, or pedestrian, keep your head on a swivel and foot/hand/mind on the brake.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 4% [?]

Popularity: 4% [?]

Because it’s Monday and you haven’t heard enough about BP and spills lately:

We all know that BP is responsible for the largest oil spill in U.S. history but they are also champions of another kind of spill.

Stay greasy, America.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 4% [?]

Okay, maybe not the actual Batman, but the state of Michigan will take all the help it can get and if that comes in the form of a renegade impostor named Gabe then bring on the Bat!

Gabe bought a beat up 1994 Pontiac Grand Am from Dave’s Towing in Ann Arbor, Mich. that looked exactly like this:

With a little bit of work and a lot of free time, Gabe transformed that mangled wreck into the world’s ugliest looking Batmobile:

The cigarette lighter doubles as an empty hole and the headlights roll back to reveal taggered leather coverings. Yes, the staggering unemployment rate, depleting natural resources, and Detroit: the world’s largest sinkhole, are all shaking in their boots in the wake of “Bat Justice” sweeping the state.

By Kyle Fitzsimmons

Popularity: 6% [?]